I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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