I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
