I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
