i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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