I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
