from now on my penis is your penis
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
