Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
