I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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