She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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