I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
