i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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