The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
FUCK WHALES
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
