I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He literally asked permission to hit on me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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