Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
