at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
