i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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