Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
