I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
