Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
