note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
