broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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