Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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