why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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