Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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