is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Someone signed my nipple.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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