I wanna bring you to show and tell
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
