Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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