Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
