the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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