Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
