i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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