i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
