nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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