the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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