i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
