he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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