He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
