she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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