did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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