I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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