Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He has the fingertips of a God
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