I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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