On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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