are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i need some magic done to my vagina
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
