my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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