Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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