you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
