so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
