She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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