I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
