I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
