Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
